you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
