Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
