My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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