my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
