Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
