Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
