her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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