Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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