they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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