ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
