she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
