dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
