i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
