the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
