apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
