i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
