she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
