Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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