Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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