The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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