If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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