she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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