just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
