I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
