well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
