I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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