come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
