mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We have so much sex to catch up on
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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