You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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