Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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