mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
