True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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