six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
