I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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