I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
