I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
