Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
