Ambien. No doubt about it.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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