I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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