i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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