My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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