I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
