We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
