this beer tastes like vomit already
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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