Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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