I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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