I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Your penis caused this!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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