Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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