Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
