I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
