Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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