im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
