If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
