You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
