My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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