thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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