just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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