i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
