when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize