Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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