you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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