I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize