ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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