so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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