my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize