She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
